What Woulds

Today I hurt the one, I love the most. Me.

What I did? BANGED MY LITTLE TOE ON THE EDGE OF THE BED. 

Right where it hurts the most doesn't it.

This rollercoaster journey of post-adolescence might just be about to come to a termination.

Was this ever all that I ever was? A bubbly little girl trying to make a mark on this little world?

I've never really seen anything beyond what my eyes could show me.

I'm hurt, I just can't figure out where exactly.

So I do the one thing most people suffering from this temporary nightmare wouldn't do, watch a lot of comedic shows. Well they are made to make you laugh so much you cry, aren't they?
What's a better fix for crying eyes other than a good laugh.

Some say forget the pain, some tell me to face it head-on but I'd tell you to do exactly the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of happy activities.
Man has been kindly bestowed by god to be exactly as they wish to be in the 24hr cycle of every dreadful day. 

Make it your own, do what you love. This time isn't going to repeat itself and neither can you fast forward to the end, live every second exactly as you'd like it to be. Because first and last of all nobody is stopping me from writing this blog fearlessly, I own this tiny little space of mine. Didn't pay jack shit but that's internet for you; you could write a whole new bible up here and no one would bat an eye. It's a cozy little space on this ether that will only remain mine.

Which also gives me a torrential idea to start writing a "New Age Bible" which will ofc encompass all of the lifestyle rules which are a basic need nowadays. Written by the child of God. What a fascinating read.

xxx

Change is in the Air

In.. Out. Silently I count my breaths as I realize that change is constant & although right now it may have made my eyelids pour, it's not meant to last, it's just an emotion; this too shall pass.
No one can reach out for me but me.
Only I can pull myself out, or let it all just be. You can say what you want but cannot force me to listen, I'll emerge with that sweat brought by toil I will glitter & glisten.
Life isn't a cruise & neither is it a steady toil, we make mistakes, get back up on the saddle, or other times we could wind up swinging a cradle.
Compare my verses to my errors, but what is even a face without its fair share of freckles?
Quality shows when you don't break down,
Scream at yourself drowning in your own sound.
But nothing could move my core, I'll always be the same me, though things aren't the same anymore.
Everything I am, it is what it is, what I made myself out to be, for lights yet there but far from within my reach. Once again I made the same mistake, I loved a friend & it just wasn't meant to be.
I'm locking me up inside my self, wake me up when September ends.
xxx

Saving My Crown

It's been a while since I last poured out my heart.
Do I even have one I wonder?
Never once did I stop to let go completely and surrender.
Never once did I stop to help her get up on her feet.
Do I have a limit I wonder?
Never once did I gaze out in the open thinking this is where my life began.
Never once did I let go of my abode above the clouds and see.
Do I juggle my chores or ask for some more?
Never back down from progressing towards the better,
Never bring this upon yourself, remember, it's all in your head.
Do I have to control my mind? Or do I let them?
Never did you love thy self,
Never so you can expect them to.
Do I have to play the game?
Never once did I miss the Cat & Mouse chase.
Forever is the fight, and you a mask of a manic craze,
Never let them know the real you.
An existence worth all humanity combined,
A human being worthy of a shrine.
You are the temple you want to be;
You are the soldier you wish to seek.
Chin up princess, or the crown falls.
xxx

Serial Killer

Dad told me never to harm creatures smaller thy self, so that's exactly what I did, I didn't harm them, I killed them. Stomped them all down one-by-one. After all, this category of small creatures only left space for this one sect of flora & fauna accessible, ANTS. I'm that much of a tiny spec in this cosmos and even they know how to walk in a straight line better than the entire human race itself.
True to our words, we don't listen to ANYONE but we listen to EVERYONE! 
Who are we? Or more accurately, what are we?
I remember we were always told, never talk to strangers, but those strangers were the ones who knew my secrets the most. The only time we really ever lied was to the ones we really ever loved.
I don't see it myself but I want them to, tell me I'm a gem or I put a curfew.
Always a beauty queen who naturally never had to try. I was born within my mouth, a silver spoon. How do I explain how easy it was, love, showered, baking pizza with the best Tabasco sauce?
My ideas and creativity are my biggest strength and my worst weaknesses, over analyzing situations only brings you sorrow. Safe in your memory palace all you do is wallow.
Reality is the truth. And truth, bitter & harsh, equals reality is harsh, this is where you choose between the trodden path or the road not taken. Here's where you become both Robert Frost or a killer because you found a way forward though it feels like we're only going backward.
Treading on others to make way for your almighty self earns you a brownie point in the list of sins. After all, you can't beat the God at his own game, doesn't matter who dies, to some it's one & the same. The day I die, I'll become a shooting star in the night sky. Do make a wish on me and watch me come to life. Now you've become somewhere a serial-killer(because obviously if looks could kill, also why doesn't marvel hire me already). Now leave a little space for MY existence as karma draws dangerously close to me as we kill our way to heaven. Our little safe haven.
xxx

Reap the seed you sow

Yesterday will only be a scar, 

reminding me of what it was.

As tomorrow rises before me, 

I'll treat it exactly how it was meant to be.

My days have taken a lot, 

of what they weren't supposed to.
Guess who's fault that is?
You yourself are the one to blame, aren't you?
What with all your vanity & naivety,  
where did all that take you?
Now you think you are where you wanted to be, 
but that's only because it was the highest you'd ever seen.
There are new horizons now, 
if you just turn around not fearing the stormy seas.
It's a journey of a lifetime, 
the higher you think the higher you'll believe.
Choose to give up only because you can
But turn around and see nothing but barren land.
that oasis will never be real for you, 
you lack the faith & seed to sow;
your tree of life shall never grow.
Where is the wisdom, where is the will?
Not the inheritance but the sheer power, where is the courage that they instilled?
Reach inside, it's right where it was in your heart, but what you ignored.
Give you the strength, you couldn't give yourself before.
I'm only human, I despise the finesse & love the gore.
xxx