Fast Forward This Life

 Can we just take a deep breath and not dwell on our past now?

It's our past for a reason. It does not define who we are now or what we will be in the future. 

There's always a reason behind every little action, it's called emotion. When you're compassionate and caring, you will find ways to make life better and simpler for people around you, you become a pioneer. Scary thought, being involved in such charitable causes because you never know who you're offending by doing the right thing. 

Nowadays I get triggered by even the slightest hint of getting hurt potentially so I maintain my distance from those who might hurt me. Never have I ever not said what's on my mind to those around me. I am less filtered and more straightforward I have been told. It was barely a scratch on the surface of who I am actually. Nevertheless it was a kind revelation about who I am. Who I will be? Only I know. 

Life Plays An Uno Reverse On You

You thought life's going well?

You thought wrong!

It's plotting and planning how to make your reality trash again with regrets, traumas, loose ends, failures etc etc. It was a brave move, thinking you have it all now, because this too shall pass. I have proof. Stay sad and you will be happy randomly at unexpected moments and incidences. Stay happy and you will figure out new ways to be sad. It's anyway hard to hide your emotions unless you have mastered that poker face. 

My Morning Begins at Afternoon

As usual, my mornings are starting in the noon. 

Happens when you're working late the previous night. 

Do I need to? No! But do I? Hell yes.

Need someone to vent to, not my family or friends and not a stranger. I know I have God in my life, and also the Divine Mother, the entire universe watching over me so I have no reason to feel alone. 

I haven't been feeling like myself lately. I've been trying hard, to hide what I'm feeling inside. I wanted to be a baddie but I'm turning out to be more like the opposite. I cannot confess to a lot of things as long as I'm alive, I'll have to keep those buried till my last breath. It's a little overwhelming for me to keep handling my life all on my own as I'm not used to this, I always had someone beside me, cheering me on as I conquered new frontiers but not anymore. However, this has made all the difference. The old me wouldn't have been able to deal with handling a new job, in a new place and without any of my old friends. Now I can.

I am now keeping a comfortable distance from everything and everyone I feel I might get attached to or who or what might get attached to me. I just learnt that my mother has been imagining things and throwing away stuff that I and my father own and saying in her defence that we actually told her to. As if. 

I feel like ripping out my hair, probably gouge out my eyes, I feel so much anger inside. Talking to her was a mistake and now I'm not telling her or father anything about anything. They're too involved in my life and I need to pull them out of my hair a bit. 

Damage control on life

I'm genuinely out of mistakes to make. You name it and it's been done already, how proud my parents must be. Sad to say I'm almost saintly now as compared to who and what I was before. I have changed completely and turned over a new leaf. I'm sure as hell proud that I did. Can't relate to the human I was a couple years back. Not even the slightest bit. 

Damage control is still in progress, the journey has been incredibly slow and boring at times, but at this point anything that even remotely sounds like being bound to something freaks me out. I don't find anyone attractive, not even myself. One man, who I thought could be my close friend in the near future, just got married. I'm out of people that I like too. All I see are the shortcomings in everybody, I'm tired honestly and can say for sure that my parents are too. We as a family are now just looking out for each other and keeping ourselves healthy. Our reputation matters more than ever now.  

Will I get married? Someday maybe, but that's quite far and I'm liking my single life to be honest. It's hassle free and I'm able to spend more time with my parents. I'll not move in with my other half if I get married, I love my parents too much. Only if they want me to, I'll shift, but not otherwise.

I want to change

 I want to change..

I am sick of dancing to the tune of what I think others might like or what is acceptable by the society. I want to be the change I want, the highly driven, passionate individual who is content with what they have, confidently and silently living freely not afraid of what others might think and being under pressure of wanting to be liked by everybody. It used to be so but not anymore. It took me a long time to accept my reality. I'm not as attractive as any mainstream actress/model (a profession I secretly admire) or as knowledgeable as a scientist. I am part of the universal average who live everyday knowing that they're not enough and could be better but don't have adequate will power to make it happen. I mean if you got assets you definitely do want to flaunt them, otherwise what's the use you know.

    If I had a rupee for every time I though I looked pretty I'd definitely have a couple of fifties. I need to lose a few kilos to look better, the fat around my chin and on my face makes me look really ugly, I wonder why it doesn't go to all the right places like maybe around my hips. Lately all the fat has been accumulating around my belly making giving me the appearance of a pregnant lady, and while that's not meant to be an insult to anybody that's pregnant, it does mean that the food baby needs to be aborted immediately.  

Both in my body and mind certain changes need to brought. Meditating regularly has brought about phenomenal changes to my mental health. I used to feel queasy just thinking about my job and nowadays I just keep on going without feeling too upset about it. Big difference. My advise? Meditate and stay strong. Don't quit and just keep on going.

Am I losing it?

It's happening again. Here I was working with uninterrupted focus on my job and just when I thought I was about to reach professional success, I was hit like a freight train by my audit scores. They were low, and that's not all, they're now becoming a pattern. It's been 3 weeks now since I dropped down from my usual 85 above score(or even 100) to a new low of 50. That truly sucks. I was told to pull up my socks by my team leader. 

I am able to identify certain thought patterns from a similar experience in the past, where no matter how much effort I put in my work, it was still not enough and I was later sacked by the company, which I will not name here. This happens every time I'm being sincere about my work. Is this going to resolve itself with time? I don't know but I believe that's highly likely. If my performance doesn't improve soon I'll be at a risk of being sacked again. I've already started considering alternate career options, whether or not I will work in the future in the same domain I'm not entirely sure but it's going to be IT related for sure!