Fast Forward This Life

 Can we just take a deep breath and not dwell on our past now?

It's our past for a reason. It does not define who we are now or what we will be in the future. 

There's always a reason behind every little action, it's called emotion. When you're compassionate and caring, you will find ways to make life better and simpler for people around you, you become a pioneer. Scary thought, being involved in such charitable causes because you never know who you're offending by doing the right thing. 

Nowadays I get triggered by even the slightest hint of getting hurt potentially so I maintain my distance from those who might hurt me. Never have I ever not said what's on my mind to those around me. I am less filtered and more straightforward I have been told. It was barely a scratch on the surface of who I am actually. Nevertheless it was a kind revelation about who I am. Who I will be? Only I know. 

Life Plays An Uno Reverse On You

You thought life's going well?

You thought wrong!

It's plotting and planning how to make your reality trash again with regrets, traumas, loose ends, failures etc etc. It was a brave move, thinking you have it all now, because this too shall pass. I have proof. Stay sad and you will be happy randomly at unexpected moments and incidences. Stay happy and you will figure out new ways to be sad. It's anyway hard to hide your emotions unless you have mastered that poker face. 

My Morning Begins at Afternoon

As usual, my mornings are starting in the noon. 

Happens when you're working late the previous night. 

Do I need to? No! But do I? Hell yes.

Need someone to vent to, not my family or friends and not a stranger. I know I have God in my life, and also the Divine Mother, the entire universe watching over me so I have no reason to feel alone. 

I haven't been feeling like myself lately. I've been trying hard, to hide what I'm feeling inside. I wanted to be a baddie but I'm turning out to be more like the opposite. I cannot confess to a lot of things as long as I'm alive, I'll have to keep those buried till my last breath. It's a little overwhelming for me to keep handling my life all on my own as I'm not used to this, I always had someone beside me, cheering me on as I conquered new frontiers but not anymore. However, this has made all the difference. The old me wouldn't have been able to deal with handling a new job, in a new place and without any of my old friends. Now I can.

I am now keeping a comfortable distance from everything and everyone I feel I might get attached to or who or what might get attached to me. I just learnt that my mother has been imagining things and throwing away stuff that I and my father own and saying in her defence that we actually told her to. As if. 

I feel like ripping out my hair, probably gouge out my eyes, I feel so much anger inside. Talking to her was a mistake and now I'm not telling her or father anything about anything. They're too involved in my life and I need to pull them out of my hair a bit. 

Damage control on life

I'm genuinely out of mistakes to make. You name it and it's been done already, how proud my parents must be. Sad to say I'm almost saintly now as compared to who and what I was before. I have changed completely and turned over a new leaf. I'm sure as hell proud that I did. Can't relate to the human I was a couple years back. Not even the slightest bit. 

Damage control is still in progress, the journey has been incredibly slow and boring at times, but at this point anything that even remotely sounds like being bound to something freaks me out. I don't find anyone attractive, not even myself. One man, who I thought could be my close friend in the near future, just got married. I'm out of people that I like too. All I see are the shortcomings in everybody, I'm tired honestly and can say for sure that my parents are too. We as a family are now just looking out for each other and keeping ourselves healthy. Our reputation matters more than ever now.  

Will I get married? Someday maybe, but that's quite far and I'm liking my single life to be honest. It's hassle free and I'm able to spend more time with my parents. I'll not move in with my other half if I get married, I love my parents too much. Only if they want me to, I'll shift, but not otherwise.

I want to change

 I want to change..

I am sick of dancing to the tune of what I think others might like or what is acceptable by the society. I want to be the change I want, the highly driven, passionate individual who is content with what they have, confidently and silently living freely not afraid of what others might think and being under pressure of wanting to be liked by everybody. It used to be so but not anymore. It took me a long time to accept my reality. I'm not as attractive as any mainstream actress/model (a profession I secretly admire) or as knowledgeable as a scientist. I am part of the universal average who live everyday knowing that they're not enough and could be better but don't have adequate will power to make it happen. I mean if you got assets you definitely do want to flaunt them, otherwise what's the use you know.

    If I had a rupee for every time I though I looked pretty I'd definitely have a couple of fifties. I need to lose a few kilos to look better, the fat around my chin and on my face makes me look really ugly, I wonder why it doesn't go to all the right places like maybe around my hips. Lately all the fat has been accumulating around my belly making giving me the appearance of a pregnant lady, and while that's not meant to be an insult to anybody that's pregnant, it does mean that the food baby needs to be aborted immediately.  

Both in my body and mind certain changes need to brought. Meditating regularly has brought about phenomenal changes to my mental health. I used to feel queasy just thinking about my job and nowadays I just keep on going without feeling too upset about it. Big difference. My advise? Meditate and stay strong. Don't quit and just keep on going.

Am I losing it?

It's happening again. Here I was working with uninterrupted focus on my job and just when I thought I was about to reach professional success, I was hit like a freight train by my audit scores. They were low, and that's not all, they're now becoming a pattern. It's been 3 weeks now since I dropped down from my usual 85 above score(or even 100) to a new low of 50. That truly sucks. I was told to pull up my socks by my team leader. 

I am able to identify certain thought patterns from a similar experience in the past, where no matter how much effort I put in my work, it was still not enough and I was later sacked by the company, which I will not name here. This happens every time I'm being sincere about my work. Is this going to resolve itself with time? I don't know but I believe that's highly likely. If my performance doesn't improve soon I'll be at a risk of being sacked again. I've already started considering alternate career options, whether or not I will work in the future in the same domain I'm not entirely sure but it's going to be IT related for sure!

Grand Grannie Prep School

 The way things are going, my paternal grandparent is about to live till about half a century more, just to prove that she's not here to live fast, die young. Touching 82 years of age, her experience is beyond my comprehension.  She talks about fruits, veggies and how to prepare them to present an excellent meal be morning, afternoon or late night. She's a brilliant cook, being my dad's mother she has a certain ring to her that makes me feel like a thousand ants crawling on the inside of my skull, I don't know! What it feels like? Well not the same as having a fragile old lady for sure. Her arms are made of steel, so are her legs. If there's any way to get her out of those bangles and ear studs, it's to cut them using the right equipment. Her name is Midori Behrouz, and she can be a spoilt granny at times when she wants to me and my mother to dramatically fall down on a knee for her just so she can have live entertainment. (Remind me to check with my father on that one.)

                         She troubles the Lord a lot, calling upon them day and night to be under a blanket of safety, there is bad so we can compare yes, I know, and that is exactly what she preaches, by literally being a living example of two things at the same time. My kid's kids will live to see her alive. Though in the past I have wished death upon when she was tormenting my mum or dad, when once she'd actually convulsed, I had cried and had become frozen. I love her too much maybe and other emotions are camouflaging it. 

Meet My Guru Level Thoughts and Patterns

That's my siter Krittika, I love her and sometimes annoy her. But she rarely minds that. She's all for gains in all the small stuff. Sometimes, you lose all your humanity being in your circumstances alone, but you're wrong, you're never really all alone. There's someone out there who likes her a lot, will I be able to digest it when he finally comes along to take her hand in marriage? And that too from a very well to do family, as expected. Their family has been looking for boys for hand in marriage. How weird would that be huh, all of us having spouses and navigating the world as though we are adults and were never children. I am so drained of tears, when the emotions try to overwhelm me, I swallow them somehow. We all know it's all going to be all right. As the title of the book Ayn Rand's, "We the Living" suggests, we will be too busy in catering to this dimension and all the chaos over here. 

NO LOVE LOST, NO LOVE FOUND

 Today is Christmas, tomorrow my mother's birthday and my grandfather's death anniversary and on the last day of this month of December that is 31st its going to be my birthday! Coupled with New Year's Eve and New Year itself, the year remains packed with occasions to mourn and celebrate. To mourn one must observe silence. They do it so easily, like it's cost them nothing off their calmness. Must be because otherwise it all ceases to exist. The kind of games that one can play on the pc is very different. 

I am so doubtful about what my life's calling is; for a while being with friends in college is okay and the rest is also okay, but I really want to give back to the society. Maybe the answer to every question, including the ones that are in my head will come to me through a prophecy. All the same, I am aware, but still. I can't be a teacher, because then I'd just be copying my mother, who has been a schoolteacher, now retired and it was a short stint anyway. She is a full-time mother, daughter, daughter-in-law, a law-abiding citizen and a national treasure if you ask me. I am so proud of my mother. 

Maybe trying to be a teacher is not so bad, after-all, my mother's mother too had been a teacher in her younger days. What I am afraid of is not being able to please everyone. That is bad surely; To some, during my stint after graduating from college and being a social recluse of some sort, I frolicked around and the banter was replaced with a caterpillar like eyebrow, would seem unlikely, but at times I was still considered a professional. 

I should've been ready with a job after graduating through placements and all that, that was the plan, but everything happens for a reason. You set the ideals and you plan it for somebody else and not me. After you make them, you know, someone that has achieved all that and more already, where does that leave you? in awe. What's life like being in awe of somebody and knowing you'd never be that someone, or ever achieve that somebody's life just like you envision it. For a long-lasting relationship and a short one your tryst with destiny just never ends. Nobody ever really goes. 

Accompaniments

You could've been so much more to me and yet you are nothing too sometimes. Where all am I supposed to look for your consort Devi? You want me to think he will never be back for he has left me alone. There cannot be two ways about it, nowadays I preach my way or the highway; you know it, so sing it. Throw yourself up to this side and let me take away all of your discomforts and misery. If we too are like gods in some ways, then we are to exercise our rights. 

      I just know for real, that my mother's face and my face are very similar. I make mistakes! Everybody does, I can be tired and try to enjoy myself at the same time. 💕

I hate somebody with all my being in this house. Must be somebody with mostly my behaviors, otherwise I wouldn't. 

How easy is it to love yourself? When you look into the mirror knowing that tat mirror is the only solace that's to be provided to you today, because the reset is just every day, noise and chores included? Me, a daughter staying in a big city feeling sorry for her father who didn't get the rank he deserved more than anybody else and the mother who despite being very talented in statistics didn't get the recognition she desired. Merely writing about this is making me sad. There were times when my parents used to be running the show, or that's what I mostly thought. Now the game is completely in my hands, and I must watch movies in order to save my parents? I am enjoying too much is it? Is that what the complaint is?

Hello Friends and Family

 After a long time of wondering, self-doubt and existential crisis encounters, work as a typical Indian child seems like the best job profile on the market. Which reminds we, do I need to keep a check on all the ups and downs of a stock market? I am not exactly jealous of all the successful actor children, I'm nervously happy too because something tells me the high is short lived. To all the respectable people over here, may you all continue to breathe and strive provide closure to all of my OCDs. 

                                                                                                                     With natural black, will the contrasts increase or lessen? I feel knowing and doing my bit is enough. Anyway, I will need to remove the bunch of most unnecessary characters. I you own a MacBook or a Windows PC, it doesn't matter because we have a long way to go and the things that I've been lucky enough to see I'm so amazed that I watched a Porche overtake my dad's car, Ciaz. There is no way my story could be much better or worse, with god's evening prayers of course; he/she puts us in a greater pickle.     

                                            It’s great to hear that you’re interested in cultivating gratitude in your life. Gratitude is a powerful emotion that can help you focus on the positive aspects of your life and improve your overall well-being. Here are some tips to help you get started:

1. Keep a gratitude journal: Write down three things you’re grateful for each day. This can help you focus on the positive aspects of your life and cultivate a sense of appreciation.

2. Use visual reminders: Place reminders of things you’re grateful for around your home or office. This could be a photo of a loved one, a piece of artwork, or a quote that inspires you.

3. Learn prayers of gratitude: Many religious traditions have prayers of gratitude that you can learn and recite. These can help you cultivate a sense of thankfulness and appreciation.

4. Ask yourself three questions: What have I received from __? What have I given to __? What troubles and difficulty have I caused? These questions can help you reflect on the positive aspects of your life and identify areas where you can improve.

Remember, cultivating gratitude is a practice that takes time and effort. But with persistence, you can develop a more positive outlook on life and enjoy the many benefits that come with it. 🌟