What Is It About Me

What exactly is it about me that brings all the boys to the backyard? I think that's it. Nothing does. And that's my issue. Why the hell not?
Is it me or is it you that keeps us off this raging bull that we want to ride and fly away like a spaceship. I think it's me. I love to entertain I'm a host, to your vice, also to your muse like a parasite but you knew. I created beautiful moments as I walked by, without a clue, & you were trapped like a moth to the light, but you knew.
So basically, it is as proven yet again, it is all in our heads.
I'm the past you want to cling on to, the future you don't want to see. I'm a summer breeze that went by your beautiful eyes, as the seasons flew far from within our reach, but we knew.
How do we decide, who we want to really stand by?
Maybe we'll never know. And I think it's for the best that you stayed out of my life, it's good for you. Go earn money so you can lavish me with gifts, the thought you put into it the entire gist. My misogynistic self though will still be in love with your mind.
Nothing can really please me.  For long that is. You come closer & I'll move away it's not my style. I want to own you I want to be you, all I want is your grind.
Now that I've bared my soul, maybe you're a little sore.
But just as opposites attract, poles repel. How do I tell you I'm not in love with you anymore?
Your forever.
Me.
xxx

Dreamer or Do-er

    I always thought it'd be the people, my family, and my friends who I'd tell about my dreams hopes and aspirations. But life taught me that they only care so much about you. Till the time it's not their time that's wasted. But I unknowingly happily chewed away at every minute of it that they could provide me. I never went home because there's where I started feeling that home was.
But what a harsh lie that was. There's no other place like home sweet home and even if I do have multiple homes, with so many of my friends, I shouldn't interfere with them. Either in the manner of making decisions, or just plain interference to their daily activities. But I always saw people managing pretty well even with a shit load of people wearing out their right of way aka my paternal side of the family. Who in fact I have a lot to thank for. Like about one half of my bloodline. Which half they may never come to know because well, they or anyone, ever really paid that much attention. Because maybe I rarely ever met them, but does that mean you repeat yourself? 
No, what you use under these circumstances is a quick play of words and the mind to spiral it back the same thought the spiral originated from hence, cutting their oxygen supply of bullshit.
Humans tend to go off on a tangent whenever any thought that they don't absolutely fall in agreement with comes their way, to sort of justify, in their heads, how this observation might have struck. It's a mystery they want to solve. Just like dreams. Why do they exist you may ask, why are they so vivid and real and why won't they last longer or even in continuation if they did?
Because dreams are amalgamations of all the processing that's going on in your mind about certain decisions that need to be assessed.
For example, you might've never really been able to let go of this beautiful spa you visited once for a session. The reasons may be many but the purpose was always one. To make it last just a little while longer. 
And last night I finally realized where my fault lay in all of this conundrum, that I wanted to explore more. But I never did because I was too scared to go alone? lest anything should happen to me like a ghost killing me or something. How would anyone know where I am?
I'd tell them. and I'd tell the whole damn world. If this is my blog and it's all about me then maybe I should just write and explore where it takes me rather than worrying too much about the literary errors that I make.
I'm more than just my mistakes or my accomplishments, more than my thoughts, emotions, and looks. I'm something unfathomable. You may understand my activity for a moment. But that's it, never really 100% understand me. Just like I always do I ended up writing shit. That I didn't want to. Well, I want to learn from my dreams because they've been showing me things that I maybe never would've been able to see otherwise due to lack of access to those places. but why should I be not allowed to weigh in on the secrets of the universe and draw my own interpretations as I please and expand my multi-verse?
If this life is all there is to it. Then bloody hell I'm going to make the most of it without causing any harm to those involved in my adventures because as usual, my sorcery ends with, "..the moral of the story is.." To never waste either your own time or somebody else's even if you like the materialism they bring with them. You'll always get a chance to relive them. Maybe in your twisted dreams.
xxx
                                                                                                     

La-La Land Machine

20 years, 10 best friends & 5 boyfriends later, the truth of the matter finally hit me. I am all alone.

It was fated that I go through all these years of absolute mental torture (bye-bye adolescence). But I think I'm through.

So let me start all over.
I wonder where it all began. Definitely, the point where I slipped out the womb. It all starts with this helpless innocence, doesn't it? So what lead this little one to sin? When it all, went South. Literally. If you were as close to your personal growth graph, as I am, you'd know what I'm talking about. Mostly, it's different places that change you. That truly might be so, not me. People changed me. Because they let people change them. On this God-forsaken planet. Not anymore. So I think there's heaven. And I think it's on Earth. Ever heard of La-La Land? Say hello to my official residence, the one place on this entire demographic where I actually feel safe.
 I'd sound somewhat like a feminazi if I started going on about how & what made me feel this way. (Shh, "Men ain't shit". aka feminist crap.) But I'm a hypocrite in a lot of ways. So does it really matter? My safety yes obviously, even though I'm well past believing that I'd be able to bring about a major change on this planet just with my impeccable behavior.
Well, I hate people, though I want to serve humanity. What a dilemma. Now I'm just blabbering on my keypad.
That's why I have a stuffed otter named 'Paco' to fulfill my craving for silent companionship. I love him.

Dear Planet, we killed you.
I think Earth was a test model we failed to preserve. Curiosity eventually did get the better of us so we destroyed everything. It killed the cat, but we weren't cats, we were humans, so we killed the curiosity instead. Till we were just a bunch of morons trying to find ourselves. Lol, I know where I sit & that's enough for me.

Or so I thought. It's so easy to commit to sin. Reality is harsh, beautiful in its abrasiveness and we get to be able to bear with it. Face it. Embrace it. Fight it.
But when other ends of my pointing fingers, point back at me. Then I guess the fault too, lies with me.

The trick is to know where to draw the line, it's tough drawing fine lines as it is and that's what makes it so interesting. I think that's the only thing, that I ever thought I was a master at, which I failed to do. Once I expanded my boundaries I'd have to take care of my creations, nurture them and love them & I never even shared a cookie. Maybe because I was already busy thinking about what would happen if I did. Or at least wondered about it. So what happened here exactly. I gave my love to all those who received it with arms wide open. Till I became exhausted and then? I needed silence to grow.

Pressure boiled up. Temperatures soared. And I was held captive. Why? Why oh! Why!

Because Diamonds are forever.
And I am a gem.
xxx

Much Ado About Everything

Plot twist. Why am I making the effort to say good morning to my enemies (aka frienemies) as I literally just get up to take a quick fill of water from the kitchen? Freeze! Talk about being scared of a short fatty like me, ah! I love that sound of pitiful applause (for me). Truth is, I would've kicked me in the ass, considering how I behave nowadays.

I'm in an imagination fuelled situation. And I want out.

That's some escapism I'm willing to lay down some lives for. Metaphorically of course.

I'm literally, my daddy's little girl, & my mother's biggest diva. I couldn't possibly be this pampered. My dad's just waiting to send me off to my hubby so he can breathe in peace. But, he doesn't want to just send there a pig who's also an illiterate little witch and just loves to eat. So he & mom made me. I come with added brain power. 

 I never thought I'd reach a point where I just did things because they pleased me. I'm a dreamer and I've always dreamt of perfection. And it never really showed itself to me or else I'd dirty it with my imperfections. I've always been happy on my own and happy with others. Well, that's not entirely true. But, then again, I'd be lying if I said I have many friends. (Left to care about the very selfish me, boo hoo) I don't even know which bonds have managed to remain unscathed through the test of time. I feel. I feel like a little girl with her heart on her sleeve. But then again, I distress like a psychopath loose on the streets.  
Being a rebel without a cause your whole life isn't easy with skepticism written all over your face. But even the act becomes a play as the world becomes your stage. There had to be something that I could stand for, no questions asked, where my actions paralleled my intent.
And if there's one cause that's truly worth standing for, it's the planet.  I can't even consume some of my favorite products anymore just for the amount of pollution they produce, like just about everything that comes hard packaged or even dermatologically tested. (Yep, Peta all the way.)

A 100 years back it'd be difficult to even imagine a life like this. 

Now it's hard to imagine a day without my Black Mirror. (look at your screens)

Safe to say a good social life is what we all desire but not at the hands of our own hands? (excessive texting/typing/posting reference) #phoneaddict

Wow, this blog got real, real quick. Too quick in fact. 

Back to the basics. Lol, I don't even know if someone other than me is even going to pick this up and be like shit. That's insane that that's me. Or this is her. Or him.

It's been 20 long years since I unsuspectingly stepped into this world thinking oh! what a blessing. Slowly it's turned into a daily grind of 'Eat Sleep Live Repeat'. To the point where my dreams feel more real than I feel I am right now.

It's like Inception reloaded. 

Cross The Matrix cross The Mummy. 

No one I know (who's worth knowing anyway) till date has been an exception to the likes of these movies; the latter two especially anyway. If I had my way I often wonder how I would want my life to culminate. In desire or in distress. Definitely in distress. After all, you can't save a damsel if she loves her distress & I don't really want to be saved. Or do I?
xxx