Is It the Clumsy Me

I looked at my hand... & thought about it for a while then realized what felt amiss about it, my phone!

Omg, where was it, what. How could I have done something so stupid? Lost my phone!! For the second time around! My mind immediately started making the worst calculations possible. I bought that stupid phone for 30k, my 5th mobile phone which didn't see the light of the day. How tragic. I was switching to new phones like clothes.
Still loyal to the number that holds the maximum significance in my life(6). I moved on to thinking about what my new phone would be shamelessly! Because if there was one thing I didn't pay any heed to and still paid all of it was money. As my father says(aka all fathers of India relate),"Paise kya ped pe ugate hain?" Or the  one, rather sarcastic,"Hum Tata, Birla nahi haaiiiin." OR "Baap ko ATM samajh ke rakha hai."  But shame rarely knocked at my door. I was as shameless as they came and replied crassly about a phone being directly proportional to second hand izzat in society and at once proposing the second most expensive phone in the market to only bargain down to the third or fourth. Lol. Hence I own now a OnePlus which I very conveniently forgot in my cab ki seat.
Absent mindedly I ran my hand over my pockets and felt a bump.
And then it dawned on me when the bump felt rectangular in shape.
Besharam hu mai thodi.
Phone pocket mei tha.
Daily heart attack ka source. Mera priye phone.
xxx 

Tendencies of My Wretched Heart

It's the organ that starts pumping 10x times the normal amount of blood through my body the moment someone cute and attractive talks or even waves at me. You guessed it right, it's my silly heart.
Also, other organs that stop functioning around the same time, in such situations are my mouth, which forgets to speak, my stomach which turns upside down and my brain which can't comprehend, like really? Is this really happening? To me? And much, later on, the fantasies catch up. Now that's a bad patch because hallucinations bring nothing but dismay.
I have so much love to give I believe it to be all-encompassing to every being in this universe. Makes me ask myself what is love? And how do I love? Or how do I give love?
With so many humans and creatures and beings on my love list, I should at least know what to expect out of the love I give them in the least. But when the mind wants nothing but a smile on their faces and body desires nothing but their mere presence itself, I ask myself again, is this what love is?
Back then they used to keep their lives on the line for their beloved friends. 
Now the heads of those very friends are served on a platter if they're not wearing or appreciative of that latest Apple product in the market. Serves them right for not having an iPhone right?
Gareeb mkl mc bc.
xxx

What Woulds

Today I hurt the one, I love the most. Me.

What I did? BANGED MY LITTLE TOE ON THE EDGE OF THE BED. 

Right where it hurts the most doesn't it.

This rollercoaster journey of post-adolescence might just be about to come to a termination.

Was this ever all that I ever was? A bubbly little girl trying to make a mark on this little world?

I've never really seen anything beyond what my eyes could show me.

I'm hurt, I just can't figure out where exactly.

So I do the one thing most people suffering from this temporary nightmare wouldn't do, watch a lot of comedic shows. Well they are made to make you laugh so much you cry, aren't they?
What's a better fix for crying eyes other than a good laugh.

Some say forget the pain, some tell me to face it head-on but I'd tell you to do exactly the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of happy activities.
Man has been kindly bestowed by god to be exactly as they wish to be in the 24hr cycle of every dreadful day. 

Make it your own, do what you love. This time isn't going to repeat itself and neither can you fast forward to the end, live every second exactly as you'd like it to be. Because first and last of all nobody is stopping me from writing this blog fearlessly, I own this tiny little space of mine. Didn't pay jack shit but that's internet for you; you could write a whole new bible up here and no one would bat an eye. It's a cozy little space on this ether that will only remain mine.

Which also gives me a torrential idea to start writing a "New Age Bible" which will ofc encompass all of the lifestyle rules which are a basic need nowadays. Written by the child of God. What a fascinating read.

xxx

Change is in the Air

In.. Out. Silently I count my breaths as I realize that change is constant & although right now it may have made my eyelids pour, it's not meant to last, it's just an emotion; this too shall pass.
No one can reach out for me but me.
Only I can pull myself out, or let it all just be. You can say what you want but cannot force me to listen, I'll emerge with that sweat brought by toil I will glitter & glisten.
Life isn't a cruise & neither is it a steady toil, we make mistakes, get back up on the saddle, or other times we could wind up swinging a cradle.
Compare my verses to my errors, but what is even a face without its fair share of freckles?
Quality shows when you don't break down,
Scream at yourself drowning in your own sound.
But nothing could move my core, I'll always be the same me, though things aren't the same anymore.
Everything I am, it is what it is, what I made myself out to be, for lights yet there but far from within my reach. Once again I made the same mistake, I loved a friend & it just wasn't meant to be.
I'm locking me up inside my self, wake me up when September ends.
xxx

Saving My Crown

It's been a while since I last poured out my heart.
Do I even have one I wonder?
Never once did I stop to let go completely and surrender.
Never once did I stop to help her get up on her feet.
Do I have a limit I wonder?
Never once did I gaze out in the open thinking this is where my life began.
Never once did I let go of my abode above the clouds and see.
Do I juggle my chores or ask for some more?
Never back down from progressing towards the better,
Never bring this upon yourself, remember, it's all in your head.
Do I have to control my mind? Or do I let them?
Never did you love thy self,
Never so you can expect them to.
Do I have to play the game?
Never once did I miss the Cat & Mouse chase.
Forever is the fight, and you a mask of a manic craze,
Never let them know the real you.
An existence worth all humanity combined,
A human being worthy of a shrine.
You are the temple you want to be;
You are the soldier you wish to seek.
Chin up princess, or the crown falls.
xxx

Serial Killer

Dad told me never to harm creatures smaller thy self, so that's exactly what I did, I didn't harm them, I killed them. Stomped them all down one-by-one. After all, this category of small creatures only left space for this one sect of flora & fauna accessible, ANTS. I'm that much of a tiny spec in this cosmos and even they know how to walk in a straight line better than the entire human race itself.
True to our words, we don't listen to ANYONE but we listen to EVERYONE! 
Who are we? Or more accurately, what are we?
I remember we were always told, never talk to strangers, but those strangers were the ones who knew my secrets the most. The only time we really ever lied was to the ones we really ever loved.
I don't see it myself but I want them to, tell me I'm a gem or I put a curfew.
Always a beauty queen who naturally never had to try. I was born within my mouth, a silver spoon. How do I explain how easy it was, love, showered, baking pizza with the best Tabasco sauce?
My ideas and creativity are my biggest strength and my worst weaknesses, over analyzing situations only brings you sorrow. Safe in your memory palace all you do is wallow.
Reality is the truth. And truth, bitter & harsh, equals reality is harsh, this is where you choose between the trodden path or the road not taken. Here's where you become both Robert Frost or a killer because you found a way forward though it feels like we're only going backward.
Treading on others to make way for your almighty self earns you a brownie point in the list of sins. After all, you can't beat the God at his own game, doesn't matter who dies, to some it's one & the same. The day I die, I'll become a shooting star in the night sky. Do make a wish on me and watch me come to life. Now you've become somewhere a serial-killer(because obviously if looks could kill, also why doesn't marvel hire me already). Now leave a little space for MY existence as karma draws dangerously close to me as we kill our way to heaven. Our little safe haven.
xxx

Reap the seed you sow

Yesterday will only be a scar, 

reminding me of what it was.

As tomorrow rises before me, 

I'll treat it exactly how it was meant to be.

My days have taken a lot, 

of what they weren't supposed to.
Guess who's fault that is?
You yourself are the one to blame, aren't you?
What with all your vanity & naivety,  
where did all that take you?
Now you think you are where you wanted to be, 
but that's only because it was the highest you'd ever seen.
There are new horizons now, 
if you just turn around not fearing the stormy seas.
It's a journey of a lifetime, 
the higher you think the higher you'll believe.
Choose to give up only because you can
But turn around and see nothing but barren land.
that oasis will never be real for you, 
you lack the faith & seed to sow;
your tree of life shall never grow.
Where is the wisdom, where is the will?
Not the inheritance but the sheer power, where is the courage that they instilled?
Reach inside, it's right where it was in your heart, but what you ignored.
Give you the strength, you couldn't give yourself before.
I'm only human, I despise the finesse & love the gore.
xxx

What Is It About Me

What exactly is it about me that brings all the boys to the backyard? I think that's it. Nothing does. And that's my issue. Why the hell not?
Is it me or is it you that keeps us off this raging bull that we want to ride and fly away like a spaceship. I think it's me. I love to entertain I'm a host, to your vice, also to your muse like a parasite but you knew. I created beautiful moments as I walked by, without a clue, & you were trapped like a moth to the light, but you knew.
So basically, it is as proven yet again, it is all in our heads.
I'm the past you want to cling on to, the future you don't want to see. I'm a summer breeze that went by your beautiful eyes, as the seasons flew far from within our reach, but we knew.
How do we decide, who we want to really stand by?
Maybe we'll never know. And I think it's for the best that you stayed out of my life, it's good for you. Go earn money so you can lavish me with gifts, the thought you put into it the entire gist. My misogynistic self though will still be in love with your mind.
Nothing can really please me.  For long that is. You come closer & I'll move away it's not my style. I want to own you I want to be you, all I want is your grind.
Now that I've bared my soul, maybe you're a little sore.
But just as opposites attract, poles repel. How do I tell you I'm not in love with you anymore?
Your forever.
Me.
xxx

Dreamer or Do-er

    I always thought it'd be the people, my family, and my friends who I'd tell about my dreams hopes and aspirations. But life taught me that they only care so much about you. Till the time it's not their time that's wasted. But I unknowingly happily chewed away at every minute of it that they could provide me. I never went home because there's where I started feeling that home was.
But what a harsh lie that was. There's no other place like home sweet home and even if I do have multiple homes, with so many of my friends, I shouldn't interfere with them. Either in the manner of making decisions, or just plain interference to their daily activities. But I always saw people managing pretty well even with a shit load of people wearing out their right of way aka my paternal side of the family. Who in fact I have a lot to thank for. Like about one half of my bloodline. Which half they may never come to know because well, they or anyone, ever really paid that much attention. Because maybe I rarely ever met them, but does that mean you repeat yourself? 
No, what you use under these circumstances is a quick play of words and the mind to spiral it back the same thought the spiral originated from hence, cutting their oxygen supply of bullshit.
Humans tend to go off on a tangent whenever any thought that they don't absolutely fall in agreement with comes their way, to sort of justify, in their heads, how this observation might have struck. It's a mystery they want to solve. Just like dreams. Why do they exist you may ask, why are they so vivid and real and why won't they last longer or even in continuation if they did?
Because dreams are amalgamations of all the processing that's going on in your mind about certain decisions that need to be assessed.
For example, you might've never really been able to let go of this beautiful spa you visited once for a session. The reasons may be many but the purpose was always one. To make it last just a little while longer. 
And last night I finally realized where my fault lay in all of this conundrum, that I wanted to explore more. But I never did because I was too scared to go alone? lest anything should happen to me like a ghost killing me or something. How would anyone know where I am?
I'd tell them. and I'd tell the whole damn world. If this is my blog and it's all about me then maybe I should just write and explore where it takes me rather than worrying too much about the literary errors that I make.
I'm more than just my mistakes or my accomplishments, more than my thoughts, emotions, and looks. I'm something unfathomable. You may understand my activity for a moment. But that's it, never really 100% understand me. Just like I always do I ended up writing shit. That I didn't want to. Well, I want to learn from my dreams because they've been showing me things that I maybe never would've been able to see otherwise due to lack of access to those places. but why should I be not allowed to weigh in on the secrets of the universe and draw my own interpretations as I please and expand my multi-verse?
If this life is all there is to it. Then bloody hell I'm going to make the most of it without causing any harm to those involved in my adventures because as usual, my sorcery ends with, "..the moral of the story is.." To never waste either your own time or somebody else's even if you like the materialism they bring with them. You'll always get a chance to relive them. Maybe in your twisted dreams.
xxx
                                                                                                     

La-La Land Machine

20 years, 10 best friends & 5 boyfriends later, the truth of the matter finally hit me. I am all alone.

It was fated that I go through all these years of absolute mental torture (bye-bye adolescence). But I think I'm through.

So let me start all over.
I wonder where it all began. Definitely, the point where I slipped out the womb. It all starts with this helpless innocence, doesn't it? So what lead this little one to sin? When it all, went South. Literally. If you were as close to your personal growth graph, as I am, you'd know what I'm talking about. Mostly, it's different places that change you. That truly might be so, not me. People changed me. Because they let people change them. On this God-forsaken planet. Not anymore. So I think there's heaven. And I think it's on Earth. Ever heard of La-La Land? Say hello to my official residence, the one place on this entire demographic where I actually feel safe.
 I'd sound somewhat like a feminazi if I started going on about how & what made me feel this way. (Shh, "Men ain't shit". aka feminist crap.) But I'm a hypocrite in a lot of ways. So does it really matter? My safety yes obviously, even though I'm well past believing that I'd be able to bring about a major change on this planet just with my impeccable behavior.
Well, I hate people, though I want to serve humanity. What a dilemma. Now I'm just blabbering on my keypad.
That's why I have a stuffed otter named 'Paco' to fulfill my craving for silent companionship. I love him.

Dear Planet, we killed you.
I think Earth was a test model we failed to preserve. Curiosity eventually did get the better of us so we destroyed everything. It killed the cat, but we weren't cats, we were humans, so we killed the curiosity instead. Till we were just a bunch of morons trying to find ourselves. Lol, I know where I sit & that's enough for me.

Or so I thought. It's so easy to commit to sin. Reality is harsh, beautiful in its abrasiveness and we get to be able to bear with it. Face it. Embrace it. Fight it.
But when other ends of my pointing fingers, point back at me. Then I guess the fault too, lies with me.

The trick is to know where to draw the line, it's tough drawing fine lines as it is and that's what makes it so interesting. I think that's the only thing, that I ever thought I was a master at, which I failed to do. Once I expanded my boundaries I'd have to take care of my creations, nurture them and love them & I never even shared a cookie. Maybe because I was already busy thinking about what would happen if I did. Or at least wondered about it. So what happened here exactly. I gave my love to all those who received it with arms wide open. Till I became exhausted and then? I needed silence to grow.

Pressure boiled up. Temperatures soared. And I was held captive. Why? Why oh! Why!

Because Diamonds are forever.
And I am a gem.
xxx

Much Ado About Everything

Plot twist. Why am I making the effort to say good morning to my enemies (aka frienemies) as I literally just get up to take a quick fill of water from the kitchen? Freeze! Talk about being scared of a short fatty like me, ah! I love that sound of pitiful applause (for me). Truth is, I would've kicked me in the ass, considering how I behave nowadays.

I'm in an imagination fuelled situation. And I want out.

That's some escapism I'm willing to lay down some lives for. Metaphorically of course.

I'm literally, my daddy's little girl, & my mother's biggest diva. I couldn't possibly be this pampered. My dad's just waiting to send me off to my hubby so he can breathe in peace. But, he doesn't want to just send there a pig who's also an illiterate little witch and just loves to eat. So he & mom made me. I come with added brain power. 

 I never thought I'd reach a point where I just did things because they pleased me. I'm a dreamer and I've always dreamt of perfection. And it never really showed itself to me or else I'd dirty it with my imperfections. I've always been happy on my own and happy with others. Well, that's not entirely true. But, then again, I'd be lying if I said I have many friends. (Left to care about the very selfish me, boo hoo) I don't even know which bonds have managed to remain unscathed through the test of time. I feel. I feel like a little girl with her heart on her sleeve. But then again, I distress like a psychopath loose on the streets.  
Being a rebel without a cause your whole life isn't easy with skepticism written all over your face. But even the act becomes a play as the world becomes your stage. There had to be something that I could stand for, no questions asked, where my actions paralleled my intent.
And if there's one cause that's truly worth standing for, it's the planet.  I can't even consume some of my favorite products anymore just for the amount of pollution they produce, like just about everything that comes hard packaged or even dermatologically tested. (Yep, Peta all the way.)

A 100 years back it'd be difficult to even imagine a life like this. 

Now it's hard to imagine a day without my Black Mirror. (look at your screens)

Safe to say a good social life is what we all desire but not at the hands of our own hands? (excessive texting/typing/posting reference) #phoneaddict

Wow, this blog got real, real quick. Too quick in fact. 

Back to the basics. Lol, I don't even know if someone other than me is even going to pick this up and be like shit. That's insane that that's me. Or this is her. Or him.

It's been 20 long years since I unsuspectingly stepped into this world thinking oh! what a blessing. Slowly it's turned into a daily grind of 'Eat Sleep Live Repeat'. To the point where my dreams feel more real than I feel I am right now.

It's like Inception reloaded. 

Cross The Matrix cross The Mummy. 

No one I know (who's worth knowing anyway) till date has been an exception to the likes of these movies; the latter two especially anyway. If I had my way I often wonder how I would want my life to culminate. In desire or in distress. Definitely in distress. After all, you can't save a damsel if she loves her distress & I don't really want to be saved. Or do I?
xxx