The Other Girl

I spent a minute with you, and I knew where it was going to go. Heartbreak is my middle name and I never really gave myself time to get over you. It was over and you were gone, just like that. We spent hours on the phone, conversations I don't recall. But so vivid in my memory is the time when you first asked me to send you a picture of myself.

I was really shy, I hadn't been on the internet much then, I barely knew what porn was, and masturbating was out of the question.

I spent the entire day debating on what exactly to send. I sent a sweet photograph of me smiling, looking into the camera and wondered what you would say. After all, we hadn't seen each other in almost a year.
But soon enough, my face wasn't the only thing you wanted to see anymore. It started out with just a simple demand for including the rest of my body along with the pictures that I sent you. But I guess it's true as they say, an empty mind is a devil's workshop because now you wanted to know what lay underneath those layers of clothes and even that wasn't enough.
A few months went by without you pestering me. But then one fine day, there you were again asking me for intimate photos. I obliged once, maybe twice. Not too much, not too little, maybe just enough to keep you from asking more and more and more of me till I have nothing left to give anymore. You weren't so happy with what you were getting, so you gave me an ultimatum, its either all or nothing. I finally relented and gave you exactly what you had asked for...
"Only for me!" You said. I became someone else. 
But no longer was I someone who you loved, for what I had become now was, a "whore".
xxx

Will you be my Quarantine?

I didn't know what I was in for when I first met you. You seemed like a summer fling to wish upon and then say goodbye, my dear quarantine.

Now that I'm stuck with you, let's see what I can do.

Play my piano, tune my guitar, paint on canvases, listen to records, workout, meditate, write poems, read them too. UHH read a book, DIYs, switch to a board and lo! Its puzzle time! 

Exhaust my list, get bored, open the fridge, get disappointed when food fails to materialize.

It's tough keeping my spirits high when all I can hear about is people dying. But you have to put on a brave face, wear your pajamas and cry inside. This is your chance to save the world, relish these few months and be a hero for life. 

I've never enjoyed a game of chess more than I did this lockdown with dad and a game of monopoly or some scrabble with mom.
Be a brand new you every day. Live like you haven't lived before, upload photos like the internet's broke, do whatever you wished to do like you don't do anymore. You may never live through a pandemic ever again. Call your family, friends, relatives and express your concern and love for them. Reminiscence the good ol' days and relive some moments, open old photographs, have a banana. It doesn't make sense but neither does this China made disease, with no expiry or vaccine. Might just turn out to be this whole conspiracy to bring down the economy and make some cash easily.
But what can you do? Think positive and...

Re-discover yourself as you spend time alone, follow your hobbies, interests, who knows you might turn out to be the next Ambani. Also, it looks like there'll be a lockdown extension even till my Shaadi.

My funny Quarantine, you are making me fall in love with myself all over again, you give me crazy ideas and motivation to be stronger every hour, minute and second of the day. Lots of Love from my multifaceted self. A godly freak, a twerking geek.
Don't forget to like share, comment or subscribe, to my quirky perspective on life.

xxx

My Handyman

There comes a time in everyone's life where they just want to be loved by someone, other than their parents, friends, and family. That special someone might just be out there waiting for you too, but you never do find out till you marry them, and make them your personal plumber because well, who better to fix the light and kill some bugs other than your one true love right?
My Handyman, he's got brains at par to Einstein's, a perfect dad bod, a smile that can light up your entire day and an attitude that's nobody's business.
He isn't mine anymore.
With a relationship, there comes a ton of other paraphernalia that clutters your life and makes it impossible to live without thinking of your significant other about ten times a day. What's love without a little distraction. But if you want to focus one hundred percent on yourself then you have to become as Emma Watson says, "self-partnered". Which means there's no one to help you clean up your mess other than yourself. Love can't clean your vomit after an entire night of alcohol-fueled partying. And if they do never leave them.
My Handyman takes me out for a cup of coffee almost daily, my handyman makes me breakfast when there's none, my handyman pulls my leg every minute of the day almost, my handyman makes me feel special even for no good reason, and last but not the least, my handyman kills spiders. THANK THE LORD!
There's a serious problem now if that handyman is none other than your best friend.
Beware if your friendship seems oh so perfect, because one of you, is already in love.
xxx

Is It the Clumsy Me

I looked at my hand... & thought about it for a while then realized what felt amiss about it, my phone!

Omg, where was it, what. How could I have done something so stupid? Lost my phone!! For the second time around! My mind immediately started making the worst calculations possible. I bought that stupid phone for 30k, my 5th mobile phone which didn't see the light of the day. How tragic. I was switching to new phones like clothes.
Still loyal to the number that holds the maximum significance in my life(6). I moved on to thinking about what my new phone would be shamelessly! Because if there was one thing I didn't pay any heed to and still paid all of it was money. As my father says(aka all fathers of India relate),"Paise kya ped pe ugate hain?" Or the  one, rather sarcastic,"Hum Tata, Birla nahi haaiiiin." OR "Baap ko ATM samajh ke rakha hai."  But shame rarely knocked at my door. I was as shameless as they came and replied crassly about a phone being directly proportional to second hand izzat in society and at once proposing the second most expensive phone in the market to only bargain down to the third or fourth. Lol. Hence I own now a OnePlus which I very conveniently forgot in my cab ki seat.
Absent mindedly I ran my hand over my pockets and felt a bump.
And then it dawned on me when the bump felt rectangular in shape.
Besharam hu mai thodi.
Phone pocket mei tha.
Daily heart attack ka source. Mera priye phone.
xxx 

Tendencies of My Wretched Heart

It's the organ that starts pumping 10x times the normal amount of blood through my body the moment someone cute and attractive talks or even waves at me. You guessed it right, it's my silly heart.
Also, other organs that stop functioning around the same time, in such situations are my mouth, which forgets to speak, my stomach which turns upside down and my brain which can't comprehend, like really? Is this really happening? To me? And much, later on, the fantasies catch up. Now that's a bad patch because hallucinations bring nothing but dismay.
I have so much love to give I believe it to be all-encompassing to every being in this universe. Makes me ask myself what is love? And how do I love? Or how do I give love?
With so many humans and creatures and beings on my love list, I should at least know what to expect out of the love I give them in the least. But when the mind wants nothing but a smile on their faces and body desires nothing but their mere presence itself, I ask myself again, is this what love is?
Back then they used to keep their lives on the line for their beloved friends. 
Now the heads of those very friends are served on a platter if they're not wearing or appreciative of that latest Apple product in the market. Serves them right for not having an iPhone right?
Gareeb mkl mc bc.
xxx

What Woulds

Today I hurt the one, I love the most. Me.

What I did? BANGED MY LITTLE TOE ON THE EDGE OF THE BED. 

Right where it hurts the most doesn't it.

This rollercoaster journey of post-adolescence might just be about to come to a termination.

Was this ever all that I ever was? A bubbly little girl trying to make a mark on this little world?

I've never really seen anything beyond what my eyes could show me.

I'm hurt, I just can't figure out where exactly.

So I do the one thing most people suffering from this temporary nightmare wouldn't do, watch a lot of comedic shows. Well they are made to make you laugh so much you cry, aren't they?
What's a better fix for crying eyes other than a good laugh.

Some say forget the pain, some tell me to face it head-on but I'd tell you to do exactly the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of happy activities.
Man has been kindly bestowed by god to be exactly as they wish to be in the 24hr cycle of every dreadful day. 

Make it your own, do what you love. This time isn't going to repeat itself and neither can you fast forward to the end, live every second exactly as you'd like it to be. Because first and last of all nobody is stopping me from writing this blog fearlessly, I own this tiny little space of mine. Didn't pay jack shit but that's internet for you; you could write a whole new bible up here and no one would bat an eye. It's a cozy little space on this ether that will only remain mine.

Which also gives me a torrential idea to start writing a "New Age Bible" which will ofc encompass all of the lifestyle rules which are a basic need nowadays. Written by the child of God. What a fascinating read.

xxx

Change is in the Air

In.. Out. Silently I count my breaths as I realize that change is constant & although right now it may have made my eyelids pour, it's not meant to last, it's just an emotion; this too shall pass.
No one can reach out for me but me.
Only I can pull myself out, or let it all just be. You can say what you want but cannot force me to listen, I'll emerge with that sweat brought by toil I will glitter & glisten.
Life isn't a cruise & neither is it a steady toil, we make mistakes, get back up on the saddle, or other times we could wind up swinging a cradle.
Compare my verses to my errors, but what is even a face without its fair share of freckles?
Quality shows when you don't break down,
Scream at yourself drowning in your own sound.
But nothing could move my core, I'll always be the same me, though things aren't the same anymore.
Everything I am, it is what it is, what I made myself out to be, for lights yet there but far from within my reach. Once again I made the same mistake, I loved a friend & it just wasn't meant to be.
I'm locking me up inside my self, wake me up when September ends.
xxx

Saving My Crown

It's been a while since I last poured out my heart.
Do I even have one I wonder?
Never once did I stop to let go completely and surrender.
Never once did I stop to help her get up on her feet.
Do I have a limit I wonder?
Never once did I gaze out in the open thinking this is where my life began.
Never once did I let go of my abode above the clouds and see.
Do I juggle my chores or ask for some more?
Never back down from progressing towards the better,
Never bring this upon yourself, remember, it's all in your head.
Do I have to control my mind? Or do I let them?
Never did you love thy self,
Never so you can expect them to.
Do I have to play the game?
Never once did I miss the Cat & Mouse chase.
Forever is the fight, and you a mask of a manic craze,
Never let them know the real you.
An existence worth all humanity combined,
A human being worthy of a shrine.
You are the temple you want to be;
You are the soldier you wish to seek.
Chin up princess, or the crown falls.
xxx

Serial Killer

Dad told me never to harm creatures smaller thy self, so that's exactly what I did, I didn't harm them, I killed them. Stomped them all down one-by-one. After all, this category of small creatures only left space for this one sect of flora & fauna accessible, ANTS. I'm that much of a tiny spec in this cosmos and even they know how to walk in a straight line better than the entire human race itself.
True to our words, we don't listen to ANYONE but we listen to EVERYONE! 
Who are we? Or more accurately, what are we?
I remember we were always told, never talk to strangers, but those strangers were the ones who knew my secrets the most. The only time we really ever lied was to the ones we really ever loved.
I don't see it myself but I want them to, tell me I'm a gem or I put a curfew.
Always a beauty queen who naturally never had to try. I was born within my mouth, a silver spoon. How do I explain how easy it was, love, showered, baking pizza with the best Tabasco sauce?
My ideas and creativity are my biggest strength and my worst weaknesses, over analyzing situations only brings you sorrow. Safe in your memory palace all you do is wallow.
Reality is the truth. And truth, bitter & harsh, equals reality is harsh, this is where you choose between the trodden path or the road not taken. Here's where you become both Robert Frost or a killer because you found a way forward though it feels like we're only going backward.
Treading on others to make way for your almighty self earns you a brownie point in the list of sins. After all, you can't beat the God at his own game, doesn't matter who dies, to some it's one & the same. The day I die, I'll become a shooting star in the night sky. Do make a wish on me and watch me come to life. Now you've become somewhere a serial-killer(because obviously if looks could kill, also why doesn't marvel hire me already). Now leave a little space for MY existence as karma draws dangerously close to me as we kill our way to heaven. Our little safe haven.
xxx

Reap the seed you sow

Yesterday will only be a scar, 

reminding me of what it was.

As tomorrow rises before me, 

I'll treat it exactly how it was meant to be.

My days have taken a lot, 

of what they weren't supposed to.
Guess who's fault that is?
You yourself are the one to blame, aren't you?
What with all your vanity & naivety,  
where did all that take you?
Now you think you are where you wanted to be, 
but that's only because it was the highest you'd ever seen.
There are new horizons now, 
if you just turn around not fearing the stormy seas.
It's a journey of a lifetime, 
the higher you think the higher you'll believe.
Choose to give up only because you can
But turn around and see nothing but barren land.
that oasis will never be real for you, 
you lack the faith & seed to sow;
your tree of life shall never grow.
Where is the wisdom, where is the will?
Not the inheritance but the sheer power, where is the courage that they instilled?
Reach inside, it's right where it was in your heart, but what you ignored.
Give you the strength, you couldn't give yourself before.
I'm only human, I despise the finesse & love the gore.
xxx

What Is It About Me

What exactly is it about me that brings all the boys to the backyard? I think that's it. Nothing does. And that's my issue. Why the hell not?
Is it me or is it you that keeps us off this raging bull that we want to ride and fly away like a spaceship. I think it's me. I love to entertain I'm a host, to your vice, also to your muse like a parasite but you knew. I created beautiful moments as I walked by, without a clue, & you were trapped like a moth to the light, but you knew.
So basically, it is as proven yet again, it is all in our heads.
I'm the past you want to cling on to, the future you don't want to see. I'm a summer breeze that went by your beautiful eyes, as the seasons flew far from within our reach, but we knew.
How do we decide, who we want to really stand by?
Maybe we'll never know. And I think it's for the best that you stayed out of my life, it's good for you. Go earn money so you can lavish me with gifts, the thought you put into it the entire gist. My misogynistic self though will still be in love with your mind.
Nothing can really please me.  For long that is. You come closer & I'll move away it's not my style. I want to own you I want to be you, all I want is your grind.
Now that I've bared my soul, maybe you're a little sore.
But just as opposites attract, poles repel. How do I tell you I'm not in love with you anymore?
Your forever.
Me.
xxx